My phone showed me a photo from three years ago. January 8, 2021. I look so different.
Have you ever been shown unconditional love? That kind of love is unfathomable to most. All love seems to come with conditions….conditions that you will love me back, that you will stay, that your intentions are as pure as mine, that I mean and feel the same way about you as you do about me.…
When I look at this photo I’m brought back to a certain darkness in my life. A darkness that I spent a long time grappling with.
A short time after this photo was taken, I had an enlightening experience. That experience was the catalyst I desperately needed to quit my job that I was miserable at (yay!) without any backup plan (nay).
Then, I dyed my virgin hair purple and got a new job that was significantly better in all aspects (most importantly, my sanity).
I got vaccinated. I moved in with my sister and her college friend. I started going out (safely/distanced) and meeting new people. I had fun, and I began to enjoy life again. I remember feeling the joy that I felt in my childhood, an emotion so pure that I never imagined could be rekindled.
As I reflect on this time, the stark difference between the joy I experienced so soon after my deep sadness…a quote from my favorite book comes to mind.
“Light is the left hand of darkness
and darkness the right hand of light.
Two are one, life and death, lying
together like lovers in kemmer,
like hands joined together,
like the end and the way.”
― Ursula K. Le Guin, The Left Hand of Darkness
The end and the way.
How many times have I thought ‘this is the end’? How many times has it turned out to be ‘the way’?
i am indigo 
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